Tattered Beauty

From cocoon to butterfly, from cocoon to butterfly… this cycle is ongoing. The continuous journey into becoming a strong, happy, loving, healthy woman is anything but linear. And for those of us who are hungry to know our purpose in the world while nourishing our deepest desires, we are always the beginner. We are forever learning, redefining, reshaping, unraveling, and becoming again and again. It’s who we are.

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A new page is turning for me, particularly in my career, which is intimately woven into every pulse of my being. I grew up with some experiences that would be difficult for any child, but suffice it to say that my past was filled with intense lessons that exposed me to a wide range of emotions. The more I feel into and learn about myself, the more I effectively share with others. I’m being asked to comb away all the crap and noise that no longer serves me. I’m in the midst of the uncomfortable yet necessary task of sifting through it all and becoming more clear as I breathe my work into a bigger dance. I feel hungry for it. And in writing to you, I feel a dab of fear because I now have you to hold me accountable.

Throughout my life I’ve wrestled with indecision about my ‘chosen path’ and the type of woman I want to be. Do I choose the wild and free path of the gypsy – sell everything, let go of stability and allow the winds to guide me? Do I choose the ‘responsible,’ persistent, stick-to-it career path? Can I be both? Who am I?!

I chose to stay put and made sure to travel as much as possible. Between the temper tantrums that would cyclically arise, I believed that this choice would lead me to the life of freedom that I deeply desired while also creating a safe and grounded home. Still, I sometimes feel like the woman I chose not to be screams my name, wanting to be expressed. I long for her at times. Yet I repeatedly chose to remain rooted in the city. I felt this was the way for me to be reliable in my community, to grow as a yoga teacher, to expand into whoever I was becoming, and share my presence in the various facets that this crazy, concrete jungle inspires. And, maybe I was afraid to be untethered and free.  

To be honest, I’m not totally convinced that I made the right decision. I mean, how can one ever really know? There is never a guarantee. There is no crystal ball to show me if the heartache I felt when I was overwhelmed in the Big Apple would have vanished if I had chosen to surf the winds with a backpack as my ‘wild and free’ self. In many ways, I’m now finding her all over again. This time with an inner confidence and a solid foundation that once seemed foreign. She’s ready, more than ever, to unleash her deep desires, spread her wings and share her growth.

I’d like to believe that there is no right or wrong path. Each journey offers us an opportunity to learn. The most vital thing is not the path but WHAT we DO with our growth along the way – who we touch, how we integrate and share, why we move forward or change course. It’s likely that this path will keep evolving and eventually morph endlessly into the depths of infinity. Maybe my choice to stay put trained me to accept this. Maybe I’m being asked to amp it up and teach others how to bravely feel their way through their own tattered beauty.

As I sit in the sweetness of Tulum, having a glass of red wine, writing to you, a smoky waft of copal fills the air and I am grateful. Grateful for who I am becoming, for the textured road that led me here, and for my readiness to re-embark into the Soul of my passion, and what I now believe is time well spent. I’ve been chipping away at B-School, a conscious business program that is kicking my ass in the best of ways. I’m knee-deep in a passion project called The Moon Deck that will help create daily ritual and connection in the lives of women. I’m married to a special man who is incredibly loving, stable and beautiful from the inside out. And I finally (!) believe that I’m a damn great yoga teacher and leader in my field. Hallelujah. Maybe all those years of fumbling in a city full of electric charge while dancing with the shadows of my heart were worth it after all. I’m thrilled and alive in this moment.

As we begin this New Moon cycle I commit to a sincere practice of self love and love of those I’m closest with. I commit to be kind to myself, both mentally and physically, and move through uncomfortable hurdles with care. I commit to work hard, delve deep into my purpose and to teach, create, share and write my heart out.

Please do stay tuned for more, because much more is coming and I humbly request your presence. And if you found this helpful please share this story with others if you feel like it will help them too.

Now it's your turn! Can you relate to this dance of the modern gypsy? Share you insights below. I would love to hear from you and how you navigate this dance.

*(Post originally from my share on the inspiring New Moon Project website)